crush

crush, it could mean squishing something until everything is flat. LOL.
but it also could mean having a feelings towards someone without them knowing it.
well let see, since im in my sappy love emotion mood i probably will talk about the latter.

anyway
have you ever had a crush on someone before? i mean not like celeb crush or anything similar but one where you always see them and be like OMG HE'S COMING MY WAY FUCK.
i classified 3 level of crush.

FIRST LEVEL : the "omg he's cute" and the start of it.
i believe we all begin at this level, where we just started to notice them, even if they have been around us for the longest time.
we started stealing glaze a few times and we start to get curious about them
but most probably we will ignore it because we would think it was nothing

SECOND LEVEL : the talk with friends.
this level is for people with friends. LOL. i mean not like i have friends but well, lewl.
by this time, your friends probably noticed you behavior around them or you had already told them.
you'll friends will start going "THE D IS COMING" and you'll be like "act normal" and they'll do all sort of faces to act normal but ended up being all funny and makes you more noticeable than before.
but well, this level is also when you started finding info of them. school magazine, facebook, twitter or whatever social sites you can find that they're in. you may or not added them or follow them what so ever but you'll probably only search it up a few times.

THIRD LEVEL : the "I WILL FIND YOU AND MARRY YOU"
this is level is boundaries pain, you basically do ANYTHING to react with them. Well, not exactly react but at least seeing their faces. You'll find out what clubs they're in, what sport they play and what course they're taking. Maybe you kind accidently joined the clubs they're in. OR MAYBE NOT I MEAN, YOU DONT SAY.
you'll have code name with your friends for them or any signature move that will be done every time you see them.
you know where they usually walk, what is their bag colour, their body type, their hobbies, their routine. If you like kpop, this basically is sasaeng activity without the "OPPA I WROTE YOU THE PERIOD LETTER" lol. you will walk the same path, so that you can walk across each other, you also will find a way to talk to them, even if that means stuttering like an idiot what so ever.
you get jealous seeing them with their girls friends and you'll be envious of whoever react with them. even their water bottle. YES. WATER BOTTLE. THOSE LIPS UNF.

but then there's this level where we just couldn't call it a crush anymore. the level that i got in today.

you want nothing but him, HIM. HIM. HIM. and seeing them with other hurt like hell, cant even considered as jealous anymore.
just the thought of not seeing him make you sad.
idek. its just overwhelming, my friends accidentally do something that may or may not make him know that i like him, i became so upset that i had to walk away from the class for awhile, goes to the toilet and cry. I couldn't even hold it on the way, i cried and people who walked pass me and like so quiet. they must thought i was a freak or something.
punched the walk, screamed, kick the door, but it just wouldn't go away.
why am i upset? because if he knew that i have a crush on him, he would avoid me, he would think im disgusting and he would think very lowly of me.
and i dont want that, i want him to hold me, adore me, or he could abuse me or hit me all he want or anything, as long as he notice me and know about me.
the last thing i want is for him to avoid me.
please god
dont let him avoid me, i love him, i love him with all my souls. pls.
i'm overdosed.

lol

people should learn to keep their promise
you fucker said to me that you'll pay back for my purchased
but now you're saying that you'll take it from my allowance?
wtf man
you fuckin piece of shit
why are you my mom like seriously
i know there could be worse mom out there
but having you as my mom?
omfg im praying that i would get difference kind of mom in the future
you freaking suck. and you probably suck your friends toes too.
i mean, you do anything for them.
but when i want to get out from this fucking house
you are like
oh you are not going anyway

now hear me out you fuckshit
im still here bc i dont have anywhere else to go
if i have the money to gtfo of here
you wouldnt even get a chance to say my name
ill be out asap
but no i dont have the money
so im fuckin stuck in this fucking life
this fucking life where i have to be freaking poor
i mean i still eat and drink
but compared to the people on earth?
i bloody poor
well not as poor as those african kids but still
you got the image

i live everyday telling myself
you do good to other people and people do good to you
but you know what
it doesnt go that way
i do good to people
AND THEY FCKN PISS ON ME
THEY HURT ME EVEN MORE
I GOT SHIT ON EVEN MORE
BE IT MY FRIENDS
MY FAMILY
MY FUCKIN IMAGINARY FRIENDS
THEY ALL DID
EVERYONE DID
even if they didnt know it
YES U FUCKER ALL HURT ME

the only thing that relief me is 1 chinese boys who doesnt eVEN KNOW I FUCKIN EXIST!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW THAT
HE THE ONLY ONE I STILL HAVE HOPE FOR
YET
HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW ME AND BLOODY HELL IF HE DID, HE PROB GONNA BE DISGUSTED
i mean
look at me
im just fat, probably 100kg plus, with such a loudsy attitude and small brains,
my face is nothing but puke all over
even puke is better cause it cover my face

idek
i never actually think about death before
i mean i have think about it and wonder about it
but i never consider it
but maybe its the right way
to just stop seeing those annoying piece of shit
and yes if u read this
u probably wont it probably only me who read this
i mean who the fuck will
i probably hate you.
oh fuck that
I HATE YOU TO CORE OF MY HEART
 so if i ever joke with you
or smile or cried or whatever shit i done
remember i only using you and when i found your replacement
PLS GET THE FUCK OUT

the end.
BLOODY FUCK.

2 weeks of torture + sewol tragedy

hey again
just a quick update because i want to, looool.
so in about 3 weeks i'll be having my midterms exam
and oh god, ITS TWO WEEKS LONG.
LIKE TWO WEEKS OF NOTHING BUT AWFULLY LONG PERIOD OF EXAM.
dont get me wrong, its not like i despite exam that much
i mean, i dont have to study some new shit during exam
it just, i would always finish early and i would just sit there wondering what to do until the time is up
its not that the paper is easy, it just i have the habit of wanting to finish early even if the answer are all wrong. hehe. (do you see why i alWAYS FAIL??!??!?)
usually the exam is around 1/2 hours but in this case its 3-5 freakinG HOURS.
LIKE WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN THOSE 5 HOURS

coming to a more serious topic
lately the world have been receiving a surprising amounts of tragedy at one time
the one that effected me the most have got to be the sewol ferry tragedy
not because that its happened in korea
but because most of the victim that involved is my age, high school student.
i couldn't help but to think 'what if im the one in there?'
how terrified must the student be, not knowing what to do and just hoping to be safe to see another day
and the facts that some of them contacted their family to tell how much they love them is just touching
thats why i was SOOOOOOO mad and upset when i read about what the captain did
escaping himself first is one thing, TELLING THEM TO STAY STILL SO HE CAN ESCAPE IS ANOTHER THING.
I JUST WANT TO SHOVE SOMECACTUS UP HIS ASS.

anyway thats not the only one that we should mind tho
there's the kinda old, mh370 also the muslim killed for defending their religion at iran as i remember. ((such cruel people............))
another ship sunk at flores, civil war at ukraine, the 100 girls abducted at nigeria, tragedy at chile and so so.
i hope everyone keep praying for them and i also hope the family and relatives of the victim is copping up well.
it must be hard time for a lot of people, please stay strong.

anyway, still not adventure so far :c
but im having a lot of fun this year so i hope everyone is too!
goodbye, see you by the next adventure!

boring life, boring time

it's finally april
the month which malaysian's students hate the most @ month without holiday
well except for me
during the holiday i practically stayed in my room for the whole week, except for shower and eat, i doesnt come out from my room at all. (such surprised '--)
its not like i have so many things to do, i mean all i do is sit infront of my laptop, or browse through the phone or watch the television
its just that i have nothing else to do outside my room OTL
i dont have any money to go out and shopping.
it's just real boring,
plus me being the only child and a sociopath isnt helping either

that's why im really glad when the school finally started
atleast i get to learn something rather than being fucking dumb all the time
and i have my friends too. at least i get to talk to human other than my mom.
but then when school started my life got into a chaos.
too much homework. too much drama. too much everything.
did i ever tell you that i made a fool of myself infront of my crush?
fuck me. i dont know if they notice. YES THEY. a twin.

anyway i guess life would never be the way i want to.
but then again, where the fun of it right?
i guess no adventure for now huh?
bye now, see you by the next adventure.